Every couple I've ever worked with has had the same fundamental question, even if they never say it out loud: "Why do we keep having the same fights?"
The answer often lies not in the present moment, but in patterns established long before you ever met your partner. These patterns are called attachment styles, and understanding yours might be the most important insight you ever gain about your relationship.
What Is Attachment Theory?
Attachment theory, developed by psychologist John Bowlby and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth, suggests that our early relationships with caregivers create templates for how we relate to others throughout our lives. These templates—or attachment styles—influence how we seek intimacy, respond to conflict, and regulate our emotions in relationships.
The good news? While attachment styles are formed early, they're not destiny. With awareness and effort, we can develop what researchers call "earned secure attachment."
The Four Attachment Styles
Secure Attachment (50-60% of adults)
People with secure attachment generally had caregivers who were consistently responsive to their needs. As adults, they're comfortable with intimacy and independence, can communicate needs clearly, and trust their partners.
In relationships, secure attachment looks like:
- Comfort with closeness and autonomy
- Ability to express needs without drama
- Trust that problems can be worked through
- Emotional availability and responsiveness
- Healthy conflict resolution skills
Anxious Attachment (15-20% of adults)
Those with anxious attachment often had caregivers who were inconsistently available—sometimes attentive, sometimes distracted. As adults, they crave closeness but worry constantly about rejection or abandonment.
In relationships, anxious attachment looks like:
- Need for frequent reassurance
- Fear of abandonment
- Sensitivity to changes in partner's mood
- Tendency to "read into" situations
- Difficulty self-soothing during conflict
Avoidant Attachment (20-25% of adults)
Avoidant attachment typically develops when caregivers were emotionally unavailable or dismissive of needs. As adults, these individuals value independence highly and may feel uncomfortable with too much closeness.
In relationships, avoidant attachment looks like:
- Preference for emotional distance
- Discomfort with vulnerability
- Tendency to withdraw during conflict
- Valuing independence over connection
- Difficulty identifying and expressing emotions
Disorganized Attachment (3-5% of adults)
The rarest style, disorganized attachment, typically results from frightening or traumatic early experiences. These individuals simultaneously crave and fear intimacy.
In relationships, disorganized attachment looks like:
- Conflicting desires for closeness and distance
- Unpredictable responses to intimacy
- Difficulty regulating emotions
- May re-create chaotic relationship patterns
The Anxious-Avoidant Dance
One of the most common—and painful—relationship dynamics I see is the anxious-avoidant pairing. It often looks like this:
The anxious partner seeks closeness and reassurance. When they don't get it, they pursue harder—more texts, more questions, more need for confirmation. This activates the avoidant partner's need for space, causing them to pull away. Which triggers more anxiety. Which triggers more avoidance.
Sound familiar?
Breaking this cycle requires both partners to understand their patterns and take responsibility for their part of the dance.
How to Work With Your Attachment Style
If you're anxiously attached:
- Practice self-soothing techniques before seeking reassurance
- Notice when you're creating stories about what your partner's behavior "means"
- Develop independent sources of self-worth
- Communicate needs directly rather than through hints or tests
- Work on tolerating uncertainty
If you're avoidantly attached:
- Practice identifying and naming emotions
- Challenge the belief that needing others is weakness
- Make small moves toward vulnerability
- Recognize that pulling away impacts your partner
- Commit to staying present during difficult conversations
If you're in an anxious-avoidant relationship:
- Name the dynamic together without blame
- The anxious partner practices giving space
- The avoidant partner practices moving toward
- Both partners work on self-regulation
- Consider working with a therapist or coach
Moving Toward Secure Attachment
Here's what I want you to understand: your attachment style is not a life sentence. Research shows that with conscious effort, supportive relationships, and sometimes professional help, people can develop more secure attachment patterns.
The key is awareness. Once you understand your patterns—and your partner's—you can start making different choices. Instead of reacting automatically, you can pause and respond intentionally.
Every time you choose to communicate openly instead of withdrawing, every time you self-soothe instead of seeking excessive reassurance, every time you move toward your partner instead of away—you're rewiring your attachment system.
It's not easy. But it's possible. And the relationship you build will be worth it.